Another Resonant Letter Q I am a 16-year-old Asian gay male reader from Australia. I think your advice is extremely useful but sometimes I find it difficult to be so optimistic. I am not out to anyone and the idea of coming out to my parents in the near future is terrifying. I would only come out to people who I know would support me (and there’s really just one). I know I will come out when I’m ready and I’m not ashamed of who I am. But I have an issue with the gay community. I’ve met some gay people from support groups and I think some of them are a bit weird (I don’t mean to be so mean!). Are many gay guys into just looks and one-night stands? How am I supposed to find a partner in a minority of a group that is already a minority? What if I do enrich my life by getting involved out there with people but still don’t find any gay partners? What then? Gay bars are so not my thing. And I don’t even know if I would like guys. I’m sexually attracted to them and that’s all. Sometimes I feel guilty because I like girls so much yet I’m not attracted to them, and I would be dishonest to have a relationship with them. So then what? The likelihood of meeting a gay spouse is uncertain and yet if I pursue a straight relationship, I’m being dishonest! Do I belong in any of the worlds? I know I’m young and should focus on the current times, but I can’t help but think about such a significant part of my future: relationships. And then there’s homophobia, rejection, no gay marriage allowed, no children, etc., etc. to deal with in the future. Boy, will I have the courage to welcome all of that into my life? I’m going to try my best but I don’t know if I can handle being single forever or all the rejection, even from my parents (they would never kick me out but all the misunderstanding and extreme tension). I’m an only child. I’m at this stage in my teen years where the future seems scarier than my peers, and I don’t have enough role models. Another thing. I lost my older sister and best friend to a gay suicide in 1998. My sister only confided her sexuality to me. My parents have never really taken the issue of her sexuality being a significant reason for her giving up on life seriously. They don’t believe that homosexuality is a natural existence. Now that I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m gay myself, coming out to them in future as their only child left scares me. I seize up just even talking to them about homosexuality because of the negative reaction. They believe that it is an ugly societal aspect and don’t understand that it’s not a choice. I’m also furious at the homophobia, ostracism, and loneliness that drove my sister to do what she did. If gays aren’t being executed or murdered in hate crimes, they’re driven to carry it out themselves. I know gay suicide isn’t uncommon but I certainly never hear about it. Talk about pathetic media awareness. I feel so alone. What should I do about this tragedy?

A There’s no question that your circumstance is an extremely challenging one and I am very sad to hear about your sister—indeed a heartbreaking family story. I can see why it is difficult for you to be optimistic about your life right now; however, I do want to remind you that no matter what the circumstances—there is always possibility, even if you can’t see it right this moment. I understand that it can be very difficult to be Asian and gay: the culture is not always sympathetic and I get similar letters on the subject from Asian men and women in this country, as well. In the States, there are many places, particularly smaller towns, which are very conservative and homophobic. For the most part, the bigger cities have large gay communities where it is possible to lead a good, full life surrounded by understanding and support. Often, I suggest to young gay people living in areas where they are misunderstood and judged for their sexual orientation that they relocate to a place where they can have the life they want to have. Now, I don’t know if the same thing is true in Australia—though there are certainly large gay communities in Melbourne and Sydney—and I do know how difficult it can be to consider leaving one’s home, particularly as an only child, but it is something for you to think about. I truly believe that our most important assignment in this lifetime is the care of our own soul, and we certainly are not doing that if we are living a life that is miserable, a life in which we cannot be our true selves. Also, I would certainly encourage you to give up any feelings of guilt you have about liking women. Just because you don’t feel sexually attracted to women doesn’t mean that they can’t be a wonderful and important part of your world. I know many gay men whose closest, most intimate friends are women. So, again, you have a challenging circumstance, but there is always the possibility of change. It may require some bold moves and courage on your part in order to have a truly happy life. I hope that’s what you choose.  ¶ 3:59 PM