Parent's Fault for the Past? I want to meet a guy, a great, good guy that I can have a great relationship with. You know, the whole roses, candle lights, movie date thing, etc. Maybe I’m still too young for that but it’s how I feel. My religion constantly reminds me of how so wrong homosexuality is—it really gives me the thought that I’ll never find love. Everyone tells me that my time will come. Well, I’ve been waiting for so long that I’m sick of waiting. I’m still hopeful though and wishing.

A Somehow I feel that it is of greater importance to God that we are loving, generous, compassionate human beings than that we don’t go out at night. I don’t know where your mother got such a distorted idea and if that’s how she chooses to live, OK, but the real question for you is this: You are 20 years old, are you going to continue to live a life defined by your mother’s fears and her need to control? Don’t blame your mother. Your life is not her responsibility—it’s your responsibility. I would strongly suggest that you start taking ownership. You can’t say “I have an unhappy life and it’s my mother’s fault.” That just doesn’t work. You can create any life you want to have, and if you need to move a thousand miles away in order to do that—start packing!  ¶ 4:07 PM 0 comments

  Another Resonant Letter Q I am a 16-year-old Asian gay male reader from Australia. I think your advice is extremely useful but sometimes I find it difficult to be so optimistic. I am not out to anyone and the idea of coming out to my parents in the near future is terrifying. I would only come out to people who I know would support me (and there’s really just one). I know I will come out when I’m ready and I’m not ashamed of who I am. But I have an issue with the gay community. I’ve met some gay people from support groups and I think some of them are a bit weird (I don’t mean to be so mean!). Are many gay guys into just looks and one-night stands? How am I supposed to find a partner in a minority of a group that is already a minority? What if I do enrich my life by getting involved out there with people but still don’t find any gay partners? What then? Gay bars are so not my thing. And I don’t even know if I would like guys. I’m sexually attracted to them and that’s all. Sometimes I feel guilty because I like girls so much yet I’m not attracted to them, and I would be dishonest to have a relationship with them. So then what? The likelihood of meeting a gay spouse is uncertain and yet if I pursue a straight relationship, I’m being dishonest! Do I belong in any of the worlds? I know I’m young and should focus on the current times, but I can’t help but think about such a significant part of my future: relationships. And then there’s homophobia, rejection, no gay marriage allowed, no children, etc., etc. to deal with in the future. Boy, will I have the courage to welcome all of that into my life? I’m going to try my best but I don’t know if I can handle being single forever or all the rejection, even from my parents (they would never kick me out but all the misunderstanding and extreme tension). I’m an only child. I’m at this stage in my teen years where the future seems scarier than my peers, and I don’t have enough role models. Another thing. I lost my older sister and best friend to a gay suicide in 1998. My sister only confided her sexuality to me. My parents have never really taken the issue of her sexuality being a significant reason for her giving up on life seriously. They don’t believe that homosexuality is a natural existence. Now that I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m gay myself, coming out to them in future as their only child left scares me. I seize up just even talking to them about homosexuality because of the negative reaction. They believe that it is an ugly societal aspect and don’t understand that it’s not a choice. I’m also furious at the homophobia, ostracism, and loneliness that drove my sister to do what she did. If gays aren’t being executed or murdered in hate crimes, they’re driven to carry it out themselves. I know gay suicide isn’t uncommon but I certainly never hear about it. Talk about pathetic media awareness. I feel so alone. What should I do about this tragedy?

A There’s no question that your circumstance is an extremely challenging one and I am very sad to hear about your sister—indeed a heartbreaking family story. I can see why it is difficult for you to be optimistic about your life right now; however, I do want to remind you that no matter what the circumstances—there is always possibility, even if you can’t see it right this moment. I understand that it can be very difficult to be Asian and gay: the culture is not always sympathetic and I get similar letters on the subject from Asian men and women in this country, as well. In the States, there are many places, particularly smaller towns, which are very conservative and homophobic. For the most part, the bigger cities have large gay communities where it is possible to lead a good, full life surrounded by understanding and support. Often, I suggest to young gay people living in areas where they are misunderstood and judged for their sexual orientation that they relocate to a place where they can have the life they want to have. Now, I don’t know if the same thing is true in Australia—though there are certainly large gay communities in Melbourne and Sydney—and I do know how difficult it can be to consider leaving one’s home, particularly as an only child, but it is something for you to think about. I truly believe that our most important assignment in this lifetime is the care of our own soul, and we certainly are not doing that if we are living a life that is miserable, a life in which we cannot be our true selves. Also, I would certainly encourage you to give up any feelings of guilt you have about liking women. Just because you don’t feel sexually attracted to women doesn’t mean that they can’t be a wonderful and important part of your world. I know many gay men whose closest, most intimate friends are women. So, again, you have a challenging circumstance, but there is always the possibility of change. It may require some bold moves and courage on your part in order to have a truly happy life. I hope that’s what you choose.  ¶ 3:59 PM 0 comments

  Cynthia O'Neil Out.com Posting Q. I’m 23 years old and have been single my whole adult life. I live in a small town so it is hard to find someone of quality to date. I’ve dealt with the loneliness of it for so long now that when opportunities appear I get freaked out by the thought of being with someone and having to deal with the issues that I’ve seen other couples deal with, and that tends to make me think that I don’t want a relationship at all. I have done fine on my own this long—is it really worth being with someone at all? Is it right that I feel this? Or could it be that I have just grown so accustomed to being by myself that I don’t want to compromise myself for someone that may or may not be right for me?

A The whole tone of your letter is that of a very elderly man. You’re only 23 years old, for heaven’s sake! You most likely have a lot of life ahead of you! I certainly don’t think it’s absolutely necessary for everyone to be in a relationship. It’s definitely possible to have a terrific single life. However, I would suggest, particularly young as you are, that you think about some therapy, a little exploration of what’s really going on. If you are avoiding relationships because that is truly your choice, that’s one thing. If you’re avoiding them because of fear—that’s something else.



As you can tell, this is exactly what i'm feeling. It's 12:18 AM in the morning and I actually have a training session tomorrow morning, meaning, I actually have to get up in 6 hours and get ready. But, I think this is more important in my personal development. I have moved onto a position where I will be training, coaching and directing people. However, I feel that in order to be able to relate to other people, I need to fix myself first, or at least have some "therapy" for my insecurities. Only when I am past my personal insecurities will I be able to communicate effectively with other people.

I am definitely a very elderly person. When I go out or when I hang out with people my age, there are times when I am labeled the prude. The cautious one. The one who does not live by the seat of his pants. I really need to explore what's really going on with why I feel that I am avoiding relationship.

Firstly, I am still no out to my father and I am still living at home. I like to live a very comfortable lifestyle and am relying on him too much. I need to move out. I used to live on my own for a couple of years while living at college, but since moving back home, I have gone back to the same cycle that I did before I left. Basically, it's kind of ironic, but I need to grow up to stop being so "elderly" in my thinking. I think i'm in a perpetuating cycle as well. I use that as an excuse not to be in a relationship because I don't want my dad to find out, but also, I am just plain insecure with my sexuality and my own physical sexuality. I need to see it more as a beautiful part of me and not a sacred do not touch part of me that perhaps was instilled in myself due to my religion. That's why I have turned so violently against my religion, because I still feel it hampers my development. But so far that turning of my back has not been particularly helpful in my development. So maybe it's just time to embrace the religion. Understand that the 'religion" is not somthing that should be taken literally but as a set of "good practices" that allow you to live a considerate life taking into account the well being of others. Basiclaly, almost setting up your own "religion". Sex, dating and love are all a part of everybody. I need to embrace it, accept it and lighten up the situation.

I can't say that I haven't been trying to be social. I have connected with others, gone out and tried to widen the circle of friends. But, then I fall back into the trap of retreating back into my safe shell. i dont' push myself because I feel uncomfortable and unwilling to take risks because of my "home". Perhaps my current move will shake and rattle things up more.

I will try to use this as my therapy, because I would rather not go to a therapist. I don't necessarily want a lot of people to read it, but perhaps if you do stumble on this, leave my some thoughts. I'm currently looking for support right now, and just even a hi would suffice. The next line i've typed but deleted so many times: but I HAVE to write it. I am so lonely right now, although I'm surrounded by people.  ¶ 12:18 AM 0 comments