Friday, November 04, 2005
Cynthia O'Neil Out.com Posting
Q. I’m 23 years old and have been single my whole adult life. I live in a small town so it is hard to find someone of quality to date. I’ve dealt with the loneliness of it for so long now that when opportunities appear I get freaked out by the thought of being with someone and having to deal with the issues that I’ve seen other couples deal with, and that tends to make me think that I don’t want a relationship at all. I have done fine on my own this long—is it really worth being with someone at all? Is it right that I feel this? Or could it be that I have just grown so accustomed to being by myself that I don’t want to compromise myself for someone that may or may not be right for me?
A The whole tone of your letter is that of a very elderly man. You’re only 23 years old, for heaven’s sake! You most likely have a lot of life ahead of you! I certainly don’t think it’s absolutely necessary for everyone to be in a relationship. It’s definitely possible to have a terrific single life. However, I would suggest, particularly young as you are, that you think about some therapy, a little exploration of what’s really going on. If you are avoiding relationships because that is truly your choice, that’s one thing. If you’re avoiding them because of fear—that’s something else.
As you can tell, this is exactly what i'm feeling. It's 12:18 AM in the morning and I actually have a training session tomorrow morning, meaning, I actually have to get up in 6 hours and get ready. But, I think this is more important in my personal development. I have moved onto a position where I will be training, coaching and directing people. However, I feel that in order to be able to relate to other people, I need to fix myself first, or at least have some "therapy" for my insecurities. Only when I am past my personal insecurities will I be able to communicate effectively with other people.
I am definitely a very elderly person. When I go out or when I hang out with people my age, there are times when I am labeled the prude. The cautious one. The one who does not live by the seat of his pants. I really need to explore what's really going on with why I feel that I am avoiding relationship.
Firstly, I am still no out to my father and I am still living at home. I like to live a very comfortable lifestyle and am relying on him too much. I need to move out. I used to live on my own for a couple of years while living at college, but since moving back home, I have gone back to the same cycle that I did before I left. Basically, it's kind of ironic, but I need to grow up to stop being so "elderly" in my thinking. I think i'm in a perpetuating cycle as well. I use that as an excuse not to be in a relationship because I don't want my dad to find out, but also, I am just plain insecure with my sexuality and my own physical sexuality. I need to see it more as a beautiful part of me and not a sacred do not touch part of me that perhaps was instilled in myself due to my religion. That's why I have turned so violently against my religion, because I still feel it hampers my development. But so far that turning of my back has not been particularly helpful in my development. So maybe it's just time to embrace the religion. Understand that the 'religion" is not somthing that should be taken literally but as a set of "good practices" that allow you to live a considerate life taking into account the well being of others. Basiclaly, almost setting up your own "religion". Sex, dating and love are all a part of everybody. I need to embrace it, accept it and lighten up the situation.
I can't say that I haven't been trying to be social. I have connected with others, gone out and tried to widen the circle of friends. But, then I fall back into the trap of retreating back into my safe shell. i dont' push myself because I feel uncomfortable and unwilling to take risks because of my "home". Perhaps my current move will shake and rattle things up more.
I will try to use this as my therapy, because I would rather not go to a therapist. I don't necessarily want a lot of people to read it, but perhaps if you do stumble on this, leave my some thoughts. I'm currently looking for support right now, and just even a hi would suffice. The next line i've typed but deleted so many times: but I HAVE to write it. I am so lonely right now, although I'm surrounded by people. ¶ 12:18 AM
A The whole tone of your letter is that of a very elderly man. You’re only 23 years old, for heaven’s sake! You most likely have a lot of life ahead of you! I certainly don’t think it’s absolutely necessary for everyone to be in a relationship. It’s definitely possible to have a terrific single life. However, I would suggest, particularly young as you are, that you think about some therapy, a little exploration of what’s really going on. If you are avoiding relationships because that is truly your choice, that’s one thing. If you’re avoiding them because of fear—that’s something else.
As you can tell, this is exactly what i'm feeling. It's 12:18 AM in the morning and I actually have a training session tomorrow morning, meaning, I actually have to get up in 6 hours and get ready. But, I think this is more important in my personal development. I have moved onto a position where I will be training, coaching and directing people. However, I feel that in order to be able to relate to other people, I need to fix myself first, or at least have some "therapy" for my insecurities. Only when I am past my personal insecurities will I be able to communicate effectively with other people.
I am definitely a very elderly person. When I go out or when I hang out with people my age, there are times when I am labeled the prude. The cautious one. The one who does not live by the seat of his pants. I really need to explore what's really going on with why I feel that I am avoiding relationship.
Firstly, I am still no out to my father and I am still living at home. I like to live a very comfortable lifestyle and am relying on him too much. I need to move out. I used to live on my own for a couple of years while living at college, but since moving back home, I have gone back to the same cycle that I did before I left. Basically, it's kind of ironic, but I need to grow up to stop being so "elderly" in my thinking. I think i'm in a perpetuating cycle as well. I use that as an excuse not to be in a relationship because I don't want my dad to find out, but also, I am just plain insecure with my sexuality and my own physical sexuality. I need to see it more as a beautiful part of me and not a sacred do not touch part of me that perhaps was instilled in myself due to my religion. That's why I have turned so violently against my religion, because I still feel it hampers my development. But so far that turning of my back has not been particularly helpful in my development. So maybe it's just time to embrace the religion. Understand that the 'religion" is not somthing that should be taken literally but as a set of "good practices" that allow you to live a considerate life taking into account the well being of others. Basiclaly, almost setting up your own "religion". Sex, dating and love are all a part of everybody. I need to embrace it, accept it and lighten up the situation.
I can't say that I haven't been trying to be social. I have connected with others, gone out and tried to widen the circle of friends. But, then I fall back into the trap of retreating back into my safe shell. i dont' push myself because I feel uncomfortable and unwilling to take risks because of my "home". Perhaps my current move will shake and rattle things up more.
I will try to use this as my therapy, because I would rather not go to a therapist. I don't necessarily want a lot of people to read it, but perhaps if you do stumble on this, leave my some thoughts. I'm currently looking for support right now, and just even a hi would suffice. The next line i've typed but deleted so many times: but I HAVE to write it. I am so lonely right now, although I'm surrounded by people. ¶ 12:18 AM
